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Is it
Okay to Lie to Your Kids?
Is it okay to
lie to your children? To answer this let us
first be clear what a lie constitutes as. It
is an untruth. But it can also be an excuse.
It is wrong to lie to EXCUSE behavior. But I
feel telling a story, like about Santa
Claus, is different than telling a lie. It
involves make believe and is told to make
children smile. It is not told to excuse
behavior. That is where the difference lies.
Now some parents will not tell their
children imaginary tales about Santa Claus;
how he comes down a chimney to bring
children presents and so on. These parents
say they do not do it because it is wrong to
tell false tales to kids. This is a fair
argument, but my mom told me about Santa
Claus and the Tooth Fairy and I had no
problem with it. I understood the difference
between make believe and real. Which is the
key. A real lie involves reality. Plus,
knowing about Santa Claus never hurt me,
even when I figured it out that Santa did
not really come down chimneys. A lie which
is told to excuse behavior can make people
sad and make the teller seem untrustworthy.
Since my mom did not lie to me about normal
everyday things, like where she was
afterschool or what she made for dinner, her
tall tale about imaginary characters did not
affect her creditability with me. I also
knew she did not tell me about Santa Claus
to hide from a wrong she did. A true lie, I
feel, is told to conceal ones conduct.
So what about
parents who lie to their kids about
something they did as a kid or in college?
If they are lying to conceal inappropriate
behavior then I believe it is wrong. They
can try to justify their lie all they want,
but the bottom line is they are trying to
conceal their behavior. Their
rationalization of the lie is really just an
excuse for telling it. An example of this: I
read an article in a parenting magazine
about lying. The writer said she would never
tell her kids about her drug use in college
even if she had to lie about it. She did not
want them to know she did it so she tried to
defend why she would lie. I got the feeling
she was more worried about how her kids
would think of her than how drugs can affect
the mind. In any case, embarrassment can
propel a person to lie. So can fear. Many
times fear and lying go hand and hand. Some
parents want to appear like the perfect role
model to their kids. But parents have flaws.
They are not super heroes. You can be a
great parent and still tell your kids, when
they are old enough, that you unfortunately
did X in college. If they ask. You can tell
them how it affected your grades, etc. This
knowledge hopefully will have a positive
impact on them. Maybe they will think, "Man,
I should not do dope in college. Dad said he
flunked out of school because of it." Or, "I
better not plagiarize a term paper like Mom.
If the teacher finds out I could get kicked
out of school." Children respect honest
parents. If you want your child to respect
you, be honest with them. If you do not want
your kids to rationalize away their lies, do
not do it yourself. And remember if you tell
a lie to your kids what if they find out? I
personally have seen a parent get caught in
a lie. She tried to squirm her way out and
white wash it. But it can look worse for you
in the long run. Lying so you look better in
the eyes of your child is a way of coping
out. You just do not want to deal with the
situation so you revert to lying because
that is the easiest way out. But being a
parent is not about taking the simplest way
out.
A final note:
If something happened to you or someone in
your family which is a private matter, then
I believe you need not discuss this with
your kids. But do not lie to them. The best
thing to do is: Do not bring the topic up or
if it does come up tell your child it is a
personal issue and does not concern them.
Children need to learn not to be nosy. They
need to learn to be considerate of others
people's business. Yours. Their cousin's.
Grandma's. And the neighbor's down the
street.
I have a B.A. in
Sociology and I'm a former nanny to children
with parents in the entertainment
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