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Power
Struggles and Your Kid
Do you
have daily power struggles with your child?
This can take its toll on both of you.
First, take time to reflect on when these
power struggles occur. Is it over food?
Homework? Bedtime? Having friends come over?
Or just about everything?
If you can
narrow down the problem it's helpful. If you
only have power struggles over food, rethink
how you approach the situation. Let's say
its dinner time and your child says they
aren't going to eat the meal. You argue back
and forth about them eating. You finally
give in and let them not eat. But you also
let them drink three glasses of milk to fill
themselves up. (1) Three glasses of milk is
not a substitute for dinner. You can't make
your child eat, but you can decide what they
can eat and drink. So don't let them fill
themselves up on milk. (2) If they are a
picky eater finds foods they like to eat.
(3) Lastly, do be grateful that eating is
the only issue you have with your child.
Things could be worse. Don't make power
struggles. Pick your battles. It's not worth
the stress on the family.
However, if you
have power struggles over many issues you
should take a stand, because the more your
child gets away with things the more power
struggles you might end up having. Be firm.
And say what you want your child to do in a
firm manner. If you say things in weak or
baby sweet voice your child won't take you
as seriously. This could be where your
problem lies. You don't have to yell at your
child to get them to do something, but you
need to show your child you mean business by
using a firm tone of voice. Let's say you
have a daily problem of getting your child
to get off the computer. You usually say in
a sing-song voice, "Sweety time to get off
the computer. You know it's time." Your
child says, "Just a few more minutes mom."
You say, "Okay Sweety." Stop. Think about
this. Your child knows you don't mean it
when you say it's time to get off the
computer because you are letting them have a
few more minutes. Which could lead to a few
more minutes. And then that could lead into
you both arguing about it. Also, your voice
wasn't consistent with what you wanted.
Children pick up on this. You must be firm
in your voice and in your decision. Time to
get off the computer means time to get off
the computer. Now grant it with the computer
they might need a couple of minutes to
finish something. So you could say this,
"Tim, I'm giving you your five minute
warning. I want you to start saving what
you're doing now and get off the computer."
If Tim agrees and does not get off the
computer in five minutes, you need to shut
the computer down for him. If he has a fit,
there's no computer time for tomorrow. No
exceptions. I believe power struggles keep
happening because parents don't take a firm
enough stand with what they want AND aren't
consistent with their follow through. You
have to be. Change will take time, but it
should happen. At first your child could get
angry. Work through this. Let him know it's
not okay to not do what you asked him to do.
Some children
will try arguing with you once you make your
decision. You say, "Time to go to bed." They
say, "Do I have to? Why?" Don't get into a
debate about it. Tell them what you want
them to do and walk away. I know a parent
who does this. Yes, her child does try to
follow her and say, "But why? Give me one
good reason?" You could have eight. That's
not the point. You should expect your child
to listen to you. Children who have
opposition defiant disorder can try to push
and push issues. I believe this is what you
should do: Say what you expect of them and
tell them you are walking away because they
are arguing about it. If they talk back and
say how rude you are being, don't fall for
the bait. You know you aren't being rude.
They know it too. They are just trying to
get you to argue about it. Say what you
expect them to do and don't let there be a
power struggle about it. One parent who
acknowledged they had trouble when speaking
to their child about their expectations
found this helpful. Write down on a piece of
paper, "I will take a firm stand with what I
expect of my child. I will also consistently
follow through with what I have decided. We
will not argue about it. There will be no
power struggles about it." Look at this and
repeat it. If you start believing it, then
hopefully you will start implementing it.
Subsequently, you should see a change in how
you deal with your child and how they react
to what you expect of them.
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