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Stop
Swearing in its Tracks
This past
summer I was in a car with a young child and
a parent I know. In the beginning all was
calm. It was the calm before the storm. The
child suddenly got angry at their mother's
response they couldn't do something. They
demanded their way. Their mom said no. They
demanded again. The answer was still no.
Friction was in the air. The child's eyes
narrowed in pot boiling anger. Their hands
clutched up in small tight fists. Which
frantically began pumping up and down in
frustration. I felt I was about to witness a
dam burst. When I saw the child throw back
their head in utter rage I knew the dam was
breaking and an outburst was imminent. But I
didn't expect what soon followed. It was if
a big flood gate had swung wide open,
letting out sewer filth. Bad words flew out
of the child's mouth in rapid succession. It
ended with, "Blank you, Mom!" My eyes at
this point were wide open in surprise. I had
never heard foul language before from this
child. Their parents didn't use foul
language in their home. In fact, when this
child caught their mom using the word
"sucks" (as in that sucks) they told their
mom that wasn't a word she liked to hear.
(She had told her child in the past she
didn't think it was an appropriate word to
use.) At the time the mom apologized for
using the offending word. Which I think was
the right response. If you don't like
certain language but in a moment of
frustration you use it yourself, own up to
it and make a great effort not to do it
again. Parents can make mistakes too. And
please do not use this excuse for bad
language, "But I'm the parent. I can use
such language." Remember, Monkey see, Monkey
do.
So in this car situation how did this mother react to such bad
language from her child? She again did the
right thing. She didn't buy into it. She
didn't yell at them to stop it. Why? Because
that is what her child wanted and she knew
it. She's a wise mom. She knew her child was
frustrated and was acting out
inappropriately. She knew her child wanted
to upset her and cussing was a way her child
thought they could do it. She didn't show
her child it was upsetting her (though she
deplored it). If as a parent you CAN
understand why your child is doing something
you might be able to cope better with it. If
your child feels powerless they might
respond by acting out. Acting out in this
particular situation is the child trying to
push their mother's buttons with cussing
because they know she doesn't like it. This
mother remained calm and said she knew her
child was upset but they still weren't
getting their way; and cussing was not
acceptable. Since she didn't want her child
to have another outburst in the car she
waited until they were home to give them a
consequence for cussing. Which I think was
just fine.
Now what if you ever find yourself in the scenario above and you
don't think you can keep it together? It can
be hard to concentrate on the road with a
child loudly cursing up a storm in the
backseat. You can do the following for some
relief. First, stay focused. For the time
being try to mentally block out how badly
the cussing is disturbing you so you don't
get in an accident. Realize your child is
trying to get you to react. (With some
children once they have gone over the edge
it's hard for them to pull back. Yelling
back at them will not fix the problem.) Your
child is lashing out either to vent their
feelings or/and, in their way, trying to
punish you for not giving in to their
demands. And they might be hoping if they
keep making a fuss maybe you might
reconsider your decision. Have you given in
before to such noise? Well, don't! Some
children absolutely know that you are
vulnerable when driving. They know you're a
captive audience. When you can, stop the car
in a safe place. Have them stay in the car.
You can get out and calm down (stay near the
car). Tell your child you are not moving the
car unless they stop the cussing. The mom in
the scenario above had to do this (she even
had to make more then one stop when her
child challenged her with more cussing).
Even if you are in a rush to get to school
it is better you stop the car then to get in
an accident by turning your head around to
shout at your child to stop it! Because you
can't take it anymore!
If cussing is becoming a common problem especially in public (some
children like to embarrass their parents in
public because they know it will get a rise
out of people), then stop future public
activities if you can't trust your child to
not cuss during them. Did your child swear
at you for being late when you picked them
up at a birthday party? Don't let them
verbally abuse you. Just calmly tell them
when you get home that tomorrow's "zoo day"
is off because cussing AT you is not
acceptable. Do not change your consequence
once it is set. Even if you wanted to go to
the zoo. Cussing must be nipped in the bud.
It's a bad habit to get into. Especially
when a child is using it to verbally abuse a
parent, another adult, a sibling, a child
they don't like, etc. But sure to let your
child know words they can use if they are
frustrated. Like: Rats, Dang, Fudge, Darn.
Or make one up. When they get really mad and
they need to express it they can say
Fudgehootingwombat. If this makes them
laugh, great. Redirecting emotions, from
anger to laughter can release tension. And
it can get them to stop thinking about what
was bothering them. It's a break in the
moment, which can help stop the undesired
behavior from continuing on from that
moment.
Last note: I once had a parent ask me if washing your child's mouth
out with soap is okay to do to stop cussing.
Their own parent did it to them as kid for
swearing. My answer is NO. Just because your
parent disciplined you in a certain way as a
kid doesn't make it okay to do the same with
your child. You could make your child sick
by putting soap in their mouth. I don't
think you will meet a doctor today in the
U.S. who will be okay with washing your
child's mouth out with soap.
Parents do you have an
out of control or defiant child or just a
difficult one? Then look into this parenting
program:
Total Transformation.
Parents get useful tips, informative
articles, family movie reviews, children's
book reviews, and family activities/child
art projects on my Blog:
parentingtipsandmore.blogspot.com |
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