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How
to Deal with a Child who has Out-Bursts
Do you have a
child who is as normal as can be and sweet
as pie one minute, but the moment you say
they can't have something they have an over
the top explosion? As a former nanny here's
my two cents on how to help children who
have such volcano like behavior eruptions.
During the outburst try to remain as calm as
possible. Keep to your no and don't
negotiate. If you don't, you're setting
yourself up for further flare-ups and more
negotiations. Let's face it when your child
grows up and his or her boss says the work
at hand needs to be done by tomorrow, flying
off the handle to the boss will not solve
the problem. Nor will the boss want to
negotiate. I believe a child's young life is
practice for the real world. As a parent it
is your job to make sure your child is as
best prepared for it as possible.
If your child
has frequent outbursts about certain things,
such as, every time you go the grocery store
they scream they NEED gum, you have two
choices. Go to the grocery store at a time
when you don't have to take your child or
stick to your "No" they can't have gum. A
child will only push and push if they know
there's a chance you will give in. Or give
them something else. Let's visit a different
situation. Your child wants to stay at a
friend's house when it time to go home. You
say no it's time to go home and have dinner.
Your child vehemently disagrees with a loud,
"BUT I WANT TO STAY!" You can try to reason
up the kazoo with your child about how it's
not polite to overstay a visit. But let's
face it, your child doesn't care. He or she
only cares about staying. And be sensible,
you're not reasoning with an adult your
dealing with a child. Children are not
mini-adults. That's why they're called kids.
I have found some parents like to reason
"to" their child about a situation because
it makes them, the adult, feel better. But
this is not about you; it's about your
child.
If your child
frequently has outbursts about coming home
from a play date, or some other similar
situation, instead of complaining about it
and driving yourself crazy, just stop having
play dates for awhile. Explain to your child
why. You should do this at a time when they
aren't upset. If they start yelling or
hitting you because of this, you can tell
them this is why you're doing it. Having
outbursts which are motivated purely for
manipulative purposes should not be
tolerated. It won't be when they are adults.
You can tell them in a month you can revisit
the situation if they are willing to come
home without a fuss. If they have a fuss
again, do not bribe them to stop the
behavior. Do not reward unacceptable
behavior. Unless you want it to continue.
Bottom line be firm about your decisions.
And make sure your spouse is on track with
you. And backs you up. Do not undermine each
other.
Now, there are
times when a child has a right to be upset.
Such as all week they're looking forward to
having a friend come over and the friend
can't come. If your child starts screaming
and having a tantrum, remain calm. You can
soothe them, but in life they can't have
everything they want. Remember children
mimic the adults they are around. Do you
totally lose it when a friend suddenly can't
play tennis with you or when you lose a
client? If your child sees such reactions
from you they will think having such
outbursts are normal. If you don't want
certain behavior from your child don't have
it yourself.
I'll be honest,
most children I've seen who have completely
out of control tantrums it's not their first
time having one. The key is to be prepared.
When your child is having a melt down long
winded reasoning or pleading with them about
the situation can be like pouring oil on a
fire. It won't help. So why do it? You're
just stressing how bad the situation is.
Like I mentioned, being prepared is the key.
If you know your child has outbursts pick a
relaxing time to talk to him or her about
it. Share ways he or she can harness their
rage. Feeling upset is okay, but having
physical outbursts is not okay. Simplistic
ways for moderate outbursts can be: Counting
backwards with your child, saying the
alphabet in a funny rhyme, learning how to
breathe deeply from the chest and slowly
exhaling 10 times. The focus here is to take
the mind off the outburst. Having a game
plan before the outburst occurs is really
what it's about. But remember if your child
has been having serious outbursts for some
time, it will take time to change their
behavior. It takes time to rewire already
patterned behavior. But it's worth doing.
For your child. And for their future in
society.
I have a B.A. in
Sociology and I'm a former nanny to children
with parents in the entertainment
industry. If you have a child who has
serious outbursts, is argumentative, rude, out of control,
difficult, or defiant try the
Parenting program
Total
Transformation. I recommend it to
parents. Scroll down on their site to get a
free trial with a
bonus CD. You only pay for S&H. You can read reviews on my site at
Harmony-in-the-Home.
Also follow my blog at
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