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Improving your Child's Social Skills
Is
your child shy, bossy, or just can't seem to
connect with others? Here are a few steps to
help your child deal with their peers as
well as adults. You might want to role play
a couple of these steps with your child. If
they have siblings you can get them involved
as well. Also, just a note, if you have a
child with ADD or ADHD they might have
social problems because they get easily
distracted or have impulsive behavior.
Children with ADHD can have an extra hard
time with their peers so it's that much more
important to help them.
Step one, teach
your child to acknowledge others.
Acknowledging others doesn't mean letting
your child burst in and out of a room
without a hello to anyone in particular.
When guests enter your home, or come into a
room, your child should either, come and
greet them or at least stop what they are
doing, look the person in the eye and say
hello. That's a start. Also, teach your
child to say goodbye. More than once I've
seen parents who don't bother doing either.
It can simply be because they weren't taught
to do it themselves. Or, and here's where
there's no excuse, they don't want to deal
with their children getting upset if they
have to turn off the T.V. or stop a game
that is in progress. But if you don't teach
your children social skills and basic good
manners who will? Social skills start at
home. Which brings me to, are you a parent
who rarely says "please" or "thank you?" Or
who is brisk with others or frequently
interrupts others when they are speaking? As
the saying goes, "Monkey see, monkey do."
Step two, show your
child how to make friends. If your child is
shy or socially awkward teach him or her how
to go up to another child and ask in a
friendly manner if they can join in their
game. I believe it's important to role play
if the other child says yes, as well as, no.
You can explain to your child that sometimes
another child wants to play alone and it
doesn't have anything to do with them. Some
children take things very personally. If you
have an extra sensitive child work with them
on this. Now what should you do if your
daughter is bummed because
the-girl-next-door, Sally, doesn't want to
be friends with her because she doesn't
share Sally's enthusiasm for baby dolls?
Here's a possible solution: You can help
your daughter find some other basis for a
friendship with Sally. Find out what other
things Sally likes. Maybe she likes toy
horses, magic tricks, or it could be both
girls like making jewelry. Now for your son.
What if he wants to fit in with the other
school boys and yet to his regret he seems
to possess two left hands and feet when it
comes to sports? Either you or husband might
have to go outside and actually play
soccer/T-ball/basketball/etc. with your son,
or if neither of you are athletically
inclined, you might have to enroll him in a
sports camp or afternoon sports program.
Another idea is to get another adult or
older sibling to play a sport with them.
Some kids really want to fit in. That's
human nature. If your son is up for task,
give any assistance you are able to give.
Now what if your
child has a difficult time making and
keeping friends because of a forceful
personality? I had a nanny friend who dealt
with a young boy with such an issue. I had
this boy show me his way of making friends.
He ran up to a pretend child and commanded
him to let him play ball, now. He was
actually surprised when I said I wouldn't
want to play with him if he said that to me.
I gave suggestions to both him and his nanny
of ways in which he could interact
pleasantly with other children. Later, my
nanny friend informed me that though she was
working with him on his bossy behavior he
was still struggling. Habits are hard to
break. However, in this boy's case he was
having additional difficulty making and
keeping friends because he had a problem
with keeping his hands to himself. He also
was known to fly off the handle if he lost a
game. He knew word on play yard was he was a
loose cannon. This made him sad, which in
turn made him angry. He would lash out at
other kids. His nanny and mother would
explain to him this wasn't the way to make
friends. You can't make other kids like your
child. So what do you do if your child has a
tough time making friends? Place your child
in social situations where they can meet
other kids who share their interests. Does
your child like acting? Enroll them in an
afternoon drama class. Does he or she have a
passion for chess? Have them join a chess
club. It's sad for a child to think they
don't have any friends so as a parent you
can step in, but do stress to your child
that if they really want friends they have
to work at it. Case in point: I met a little
girl who complained she didn't have any
friends. Her mother, wanting to help out,
enrolled her in different classes, but it
didn't do any good. Her daughter found fault
with the classes, the other girls, and her
teachers. The same went for her school and
the people there. The young girl had a
negative attitude. To her dismay others
didn't always want to do what she wanted to
do. Or play how she wanted to play.
Relationships of all kinds take nurturing,
cooperation and compromise.
Step three, teach
your child how to read non-verbal social
signals. Some children have a hard time
reading these social cues. Other children
need help because their mind tends to wander
so they don't pick up on them. It's
important to be able to pick up on and
interpret non-verbal social signals from
facial expressions and body language. Social
situations aren't just about verbally
communicating, people also frequently
communicate in non-verbal ways. Teach your
child to stop, look, and focus. This can be
very hard with a child with ADHD, but
instead of giving up because it's too much
effort, keep at it. You can role play
situations that occur at school or talk
about situations that could happen. Such as,
what if on the play yard a child demands the
handball from another child who is backing
off? What is the second child conveying with
their body language? Answer: That they do
not wish to give away the ball. Another
question: What if a first grader trips and
falls and his face expresses pain? Why would
laughing be inappropriate and unproductive?
Answer: Laughing shows a lack of compassion.
It does not help another. As a parent you
can also try this: When you're out and
about, like at a museum or a park, have your
child from a distance watch other children's
reactions to what's occurring around them.
You don't need to talk about it then, but
maybe on the car ride home you can discuss
some of the non-verbal signs your child
picked up on.
Step four, teach your
child the importance of empathy. Some
children seem to have a naturally empathy
towards others plights. Others kids are just
too distracted to be aware of them. It's not
that they don't care; their minds are just
busy with other thoughts. Other children
have a hard time caring. Once again teach
your child to stop, look, and focus on
what's happening. If you have a child who is
deemed by their peers to be a bully, stop
and think why that is. Yes, it could be they
have a low self-esteem and feel the need to
pick on others. They also might have a more
aggressive nature than other kids. But it
also could be they have a tough time
understanding and identifying with another's
feelings.
Last point to be
made: Discussing and role playing can help,
but being in the thick of it, the actual
situation, is where it counts. Some
children, especially those who have ADHD
might have a difficult time. When you see
your child making a genuine effort in their
interaction with others at home or at school
(you can talk to their teacher) reward it.
Either with praise or extra stars if you
have a star chart for them. (10 stars can
equal extra play time with an activity they
like or making something special, like pizza
or cookies). By doing this you are
reinforcing the fact they are on the right
track.
I have a B.A. in
Sociology and I'm a former nanny to children
with parents in the entertainment
industry. If you have a child who is
argumentative, rude, out of control,
defiant, difficult... or has ODD try the
Total
Transformation
program. Scroll down on their
webpage to get a free trial
with a bonus CD. You only pay shipping and
handling. You can read reviews on my site at
Harmony-in-the-Home.
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Parenting Blog at
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